Funny jokes

jokes that will make you chuckle

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                     Collected jokes
      cut it out and forward to your pals.
  can be downloaded from:
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 Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, 
 indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the 
 differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please 
 sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." 
 Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her 
 bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to 
 take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took 
 it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her 
 skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did.  "And now, Johnny, please 
 take off my panties." 
 When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, 
 "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
   Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
   No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. 
   The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
   But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
   "Bob, don't worry about it.
    You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
    won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".
   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,whispering...
   "Bob, you're a vet..."
   Honk if you love peace and quiet.
   A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes talking to
   his friends: "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my
   parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
   The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
   covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five
   years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-
   wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal 
   accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the 
   crash. They were surprised  to find in 49 of the 50 states the last 
   words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S---!" 
   Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the 
   final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
  It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian 
  competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a 
  slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but 
  without any great artistic feel for the music. 
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: 
  United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0 
  Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and 
  stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He 
  gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good 
  as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple
  Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, 
  it is a more satisfying performance. 
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: 
  United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0 
  Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old 
  donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He 
  reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which
  starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then 
  slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then 
  falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and
  bleeding mess. 
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: 
  United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0 
  The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, 
  "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!" 
  To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's 
  darn slippery out there.
  Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
  looking for something to do.  They came up underneath
  a ship that was hauling potatoes.  Bob, the first sea
  monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
  ate everything on the ship.
  A little while later, they came up to another ship, again
  hauling potatoes.  Bob again capsizes the ship and eats 
  everything onboard.
  The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and 
  Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
  Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
  tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
  everything on board?"
  Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself
  once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." 
  This could only happen in California (apparently a true story)
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  Car jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon 
  return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags 
  and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top 
  of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if 
  required... so get out of the car! The 4 men didn't wait around 
  for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon 
  the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of 
  the car and got into the drivers seat.  
  Small problem:  her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was 
  identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She 
  reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.  
  The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in 
  two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter 
  where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad 
  elderly white charges were filed.           
  Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
  advised new recruits about their government benefits,
  especially their GI insurance.
  It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
  had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never
  happened before.
  Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of
  the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
  Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new
  recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into
  battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to
  your beneficiaries.  If you don't have GI insurance, and you
  go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay
  a maximum of $6000."
  "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are
  going to send into battle first?"
  A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to 
  learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to 
  a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says 
  "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The 
  store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can 
  have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". 
  The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise 
  tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed 
  a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.
  The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being 
  The young man replied, "A hundred dollars a week."
  The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and 
  shouted at the young man:
  "Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"
  Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket 
  and left.
  The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.
  "Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked 
  for us?"
  "He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager,
  "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."
  There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty
  well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak
  into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .
  After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that
  he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up
  a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed
  up and they saw his sign
    "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been
     injected with cyanide."
  Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another
  watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted 
  it next to the sign that the farmer made.
  The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he
  noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing.  He was
  perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor
  up to the sign which read: 
     "Now there are two!"