Funny and amusing quotes

some quotes what will make you chuckle

A collection of funny quotes

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                Funny Quotes
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  "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
       - Monica Lewinsky
  (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss)
 
  "A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure 
  depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the 
  frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno
   
 "My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I
  didn't want him to."  - Rita Rudner
  
  "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after 
  Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from 
  Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." - Derek Edwards
  
  "I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that 
  folds." - Steven Wright
  
  "President Clinton declared major parts of California disaster 
  areas: flooded coastal plains, mountainous mudslide areas, and 
  anywhere that Kevin Costner is filming." - Jim Rosenberg
  
  "I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must 
  endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom 
  stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, 
  females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by 
  age seven they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud 
  inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue 
  to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s." - Dave Barry
  
  "Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' 
  but not in those words." - Woody Allen
  
  "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the 
  time, most of it unsolved." - Johnny Carson
  
  "I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 
  'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in 
  a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'" - Steven Wright
 
  "I'm weird, but around here it's barely noticeable."
   - Unknown
 
  "A good answer is what you think of later. "
   - Sam Ewing 
   
   "The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application."
   - Ken Kraft 
 
  -----------------------------
  George W. Bush, Jr. quotes...
  -----------------------------
 
  "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  ..George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
  child."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
  distance from the Sun, which is very important.  We have seen pictures where
  there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there
  is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94
 
  "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in is
  century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
  century."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
 
  "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
  democracy - but that could change."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
 
  "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one
  word is 'to be prepared'."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93
 
  "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96
 
  "I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements    in
  the future."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "The future will be better tomorrow."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
 
  "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
  a tremendous impact on history."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
 
  "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a    firm
  commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "Public speaking is very easy."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
 
  "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr
 
  "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my
  answer has been direct & simple:
  Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
  Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
  ....George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96
 
  "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97
 
  "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
 
  "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
  children."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
 
  "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that    George
  Bush may or may not make."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
  mistakes we may or may not have made."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the    impurities
  in our air and water that are doing it."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
  "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
  ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
 
       "Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but
  I like it.  When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself,
  and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."
  --Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
  
       "It's clearly a budget.  It's got a lot of numbers in it."
  --Reuters, May 5, 2000
  
       "I think we agree, the past is over."
  --On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
  
       "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime
       until we get an objective analysis."
  --Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
  
       "I was raised in the West.  The west of Texas.  It's pretty close to
  California.  In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to
  California."
  --Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
  
       "We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations;
  their obligations as teachers.  We want them to know how to teach
  the science of reading.  In order to make sure there's not this kind
  of federal cufflink."
  --Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000
  
       "The fact that he relies on facts -- says things that are not factual
  -- are going to undermine his campaign."
  --New York Times, March 4, 2000
  
 
  -----------------------------
  Dan Quayle quotes............
  -----------------------------
  "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
  to the polls."
  
  "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom 
  and democracy, but that could change."
  
  "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
  
  "I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix."
  
  "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
  
  "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the 
  impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  
  "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any 
  vice-president, and that one word is "to be prepared."
  
  "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive 
  positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
  
  "The future will be better tomorrow."
  
  "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's 
  history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived 
  in this century. I didn't live in this century."
  
  "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
  
  "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may
  not occur." 
  
  "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part 
  of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We 
  are a part of Europe."
  
  "We're going to have the best-educated American people 
  in the world."
  
  "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a 
  mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
  
  "When I have been asked during these last weeks who 
  caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has 
  been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? 
  The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? 
  The killers are to blame."
  
  "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."