Xmas jokes!

Xmas-related jokes that ended up in my mailbox somehow, forward them to your friends all year round. Be alternative; bring the christmas back into the summer!

RedBubble cards/posters: Boy playing in the winter snow
Boy playing in the winter snow from RedBubble [order cards/posters etc of this image here]

   

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                 Christmas Jokes
             misc jokes related to xmas!
          other funny forwarded emails
             can be downloaded from:
          http://www.edlin.org/sitemap.html
 
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   To: All Employees 
   From: Management
   Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
     
   Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
   guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and
   Leisure Industry Council).
   
   1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is
      discouraged.
   
   2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it 
      runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
   
   3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
   
   4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through 
      the woods to Grandma's house.
   
   5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
   
   6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
   
   7. In spite of all this, 
      the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
 
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  I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.....they have no holidays.
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  CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE                          
  ---------------------------
  You'll need the following:
          1 C water            1 tsp. baking soda
          1 C sugar            1 C brown sugar
          4 large eggs         lemon juice
          2 C dried fruit      nuts
          1 tsp. salt          1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
  
  Sample the whiskey to check for quality.  Take a large bowl.  Check the
  whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.  Pour one
  level cup and drink.  Repeat.  
  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 
  Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. 
  Cry another tup.  Turn off the mixer.
  Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
  it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the whiskey to check for
  tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something.  Who cares.
  Check the whiskey.  Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
  one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.
  Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to
  beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out the window.  Check the whiskey
  again.  Go to bed.  Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway??!!
  
 
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                      New Year's Resolutions
       
  1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
  
  2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every 
     now and then would be appreciated
  
  3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  
  4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which 
     I answer  my e-mail.
  
  5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the 
     phone at the same time with the same person.
  
  6. I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily...well, once a 
     week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year
  
  7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of 
     course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  
  8. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is 
     much more practical since my friends overseas already had time 
     to answer me by then
 
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  What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
    It's Christmas, Eve ! 
   
  What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
    Santa Claustrophobia !
  
  What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey ?
    The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the otherthrow 
    of Greece ! 
  
  Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
    Santa Jaws !
  
  What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert ?
    Lost ! 
   
  Where do snowmen go to dance ?
    Snowballs ! 
  
  How do snowmen travel around ?
    By iceicle ! 
  
  What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
    A snowball ! 
 
  How would you fire Santa?
    Give him the sack.....
  
  What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
    Toys will be toys.
  
  What do elves learn in school?
    The Elf-abet!

  What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.
  
  Where do polar bears vote?
    The North Poll.

  What kind of bird can write?
    A PENguin.
  
  What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
    Snowflakes. 

 
  A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
  --------------------------------------
   
  Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
  low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday,
  practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious
  persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious
  persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well
  as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A
  fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
  uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year
  2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
  cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great,
  without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual
  preferences of the wishes.
   
  Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
  It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
  wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any
  unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not
  caught up in the holiday spirit.
 
 
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  Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
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  SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
  
  MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
  
  DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
  
  NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
  
  MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
  and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
  
  PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
  
  PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna out,
  then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
  
  DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy ahedonia.  All is calm, All is pretty
  lonely.
  
  OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
  Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
  Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
  Jingle Bell...
  
  BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
  
  PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
  (and then took it all away).