Humourous Amazon reviews of real products
At some point people just start writing silly and funny reviews of products at Amazon, here are those that I have come across,
enjoy a laughter or two while reading the reviews of these products, I included a sample review, just click the link to read all the weird and hilarious reviews on the Amazon website.
Even George Takei himself participate in the writing of weird reviews!
My Parents Open Carry by Brian Jeffs
A Triumph of the Human Spirit
I laughed, I cried ...I accidentally shot my mailman in the face
Funny Bunny Wind-up Jelly Bean Pooping Easter Bunny Candy Dispenser (Colors Vary)
Last night I suddenly awoke to a weird humming sound. Now usually I chalk this off to my air conditioner or the generator my neighbor uses to power his electrical bug killer, or even my chronic night terrors, but the sound was somehow different then all of these. Wondering what the noise was, I turned on the light. You should of seen my face when I saw a line of jelly beans leading out of my room and down the stairs.
What could it be? Was it Aliens? Was it the Illuminati? Was it Obama? Was it all three?
I didn't want to give away my location, so I tried to follow the trail as silently as possible, and, fearing that the jelly beans were poisoned (you can never trust the government these days), I followed them down the stairs and across the hall. The trail ended at my front door, which, after gathering my wits for a few moments and making sure I wasn't having another vivid hallucination involving that weird midget from Twin Peaks, Barry White, and the Pope, I opened the door.
It was a full moon that night, regardless of what your fancy doo-dads might say. And there standing on the roof of my neighbors car, silhouetted in that large white orb, was the Funny Bunny Wind-up Jelly Bean Pooping Easter Bunny Candy Dispenser. Now, I don't really believe in the supernatural, but that creature, machine, or whatever the hell it was looked like some sort of remnant of a long-passed Pagan Era, you know, the times when they worshipped Jim Belushi in a Toga and the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
And so, awestruck, I pulled out the tungsten crucifix from under my nightshirt and chanted, "Funny Bunny Beanie Crapper, be gone!"
BAM! I woke up, lying in my bed. Rushing outside, I found that the trail of jelly beans had disappeared, and the Funny Bunny with it. However, judging from the smell in my bathroom, I can easily assume that I ate them all.
I don't know if I will ever see that wind-up rabbit again. And so I sit, day after day in a café, hoping that one day, our paths may cross again. Sometimes I see it in my dreams, the kind where I wake up drenched in sweat in Ohio, with no memory of how I got there.
I hope I will see it again. I hope it has remembered me. I hope it has not moved on. But real life is no fairy tale, and I know the Funny Bunny Wind-up Jelly Bean Pooping Easter Bunny Candy Dispenser doesn't really love me. And at times like that, I can only sit back and cry.
The Daddle By Cashel
At first I thought this product was wonderful, but oh how things change. Don't be deceived by the joyful picture, this is a hazardous product that should not be sold without severe warning. After a long day of being ridden by my children, I was grazing on some nearby greens when my daughter dropped a dish on the ground. It broke and the noise of it spooked me, causing me to rear back and kick my son in the head. Now he talks with a speech impediment and has a wonky eye. I haven't taken the Daddle off in 3 weeks because I can't face the reality of what I've done. My wife won't speak to me, I have badly infected rug burn on both of my knees, and I'm malnourished from eating nothing but carrots, although my eye sight has never been better. Damn you Daddle, you've ruined my life!!!!
Omas Limited Edition Phoenix Plated Fountain Pen With Diamonds
I use this pen to write my monthly $10 check to sponsor a starving child in Africa. It's the least I can do.
Microwave for One by Sonia Allison
Buy this book, or don't, I don't care anymore
It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I'd want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things.
Everything Men Know About Women by Knott Mutch
It deserves 5 stars for the ease of reading which means anyone from any culture with any language or non language background at any age can surmount this book.
My only gripe is that they should have also released a Kindle edition. Being able to pull out a digital copy during a date helps me to remind myself why wine has been slathered on my face and is dripping on my shirt.
MHP The Nicodemus Coffin Bed
I was excited to receive my Nicodemus Coffin Bed and try it out, but I have to say that I am EXTREMELY unhappy with it! If I had more time I would explain further, but I think my phone battery is nearly dead and really what I need is someone to help a girl out. Really. OUT. The sound of the dirt falling has stopped and it's getting really stuffy in this thi
Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED UHDTV (Black)
My wife and I bought this after selling our daughter Amanda into white slavery. We actually got a refurbished. It's missing the remote, but oh well-- for $10K off, I can afford a universal, right? The picture is amazing. I've never seen the world with such clarity.
Amanda, if you're reading this, hang in there, honey! We'll see you in a year.
I just wanted to add an addendum to my review. Since posting it, we have received a flood of responses. People have said some pretty hurtful things--even questioning our values. Let me assure you, this was not an easy decision to make, and we made it as a family. Obviously, it's very personal. But in light of all the second-guessing, I wanted to explain our thinking.
First and foremost, screen size. I really think you can't go too big. 85" may seem huge, but you get used to it fast. Second, resolution. Is 4K overkill? Please, that's what they said about 1080P! More dots = better. Period. And as far as this being a $40,000 "dumb" TV, people need to re-read my initial post: WE BOUGHT IT REFURBISHED. It was only $30,000.
Some of you may think I'm avoiding the "elephant in the room"-the real reason why this was such a heart-wrenching choice. So let's just get it out there. Yes, the 120 Hz refresh rate is a disappointment, especially on a 4K. But life is full of compromises. And frankly, we hardly notice. All in all, no regrets.
P.S., as for our daughter, NO ONE has the right to question our parenting. Totally out of bounds. Amanda was going into 7th grade, so it was going to be a transitional year anyway. Now she gets to see the world. How many kids her age get to go to Bahrain? I sure as heck didn't, but you don't hear me screaming "child abuse." Bottom line: MYOB! Seriously.
Has it been a year already? Wow! I guess that's what 8 hours a day of immersive TV will do for you! Many of you have expressed your eagerness for an update. Well, here goes.
Generally, the Samsung has held up beautifully. We have noticed a little bit of lag, mostly in multi-player gaming--but not enough to cost us any firefights. There have been some issues up-imaging low rez content, but that's to be expected when you early-adopt--we're still "waiting on the world to change," as John Mayer would say (gosh he's talented.) On the plus side, we feel like we are now officially part of the cast of GOT. The other night Peg almost had to open a window to let Daenerys' dragons fly out!
And you'll all be happy to know our darling Amanda is back with us, safe and sound. She has changed a little. She's less talkative than before (though she had some choice words for me when I asked her to clean her room). And she's started wearing eye make-up, which has Peg a bit concerned. But welcome to thirteen, I guess. We're just glad to have her home. And she loves the TV. That's the main thing. In fact, she spends so much time in front of it lately, you'd swear she owns it.
How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer
As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships.
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using - it works much better.
Ordering one for my nephew who's in the air force in California. He's been using an old slinky to slice his banana's. He should really enjoy this product!
Maisto Fresh Metal Tailwinds 1:97 Scale Die Cast United States Military Aircraft - US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator with Display Stand (Dimension: 6" x 3-1/2" x 1")
You've had a busy play day - You've wiretapped Mom's cell phone and e-mail without a warrant, you've indefinitely detained your little brother Timmy in the linen closet without trial, and you've confiscated all the Super-Soakers from the neighborhood children (after all, why does any kid - besides you, of course - even NEED a Super-Soaker for self-defense? A regular water pistol should be enough). What do you do for an encore?
That's where the US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator from Maisto comes in. Let's say that Dad has been labeled a terrorist in secret through your disposition matrix. Rather than just arrest him and go through the hassle of trying and convicting him in a court of law, and having to fool with all those terrorist-loving Constitutional protections, you can just use one of these flying death robots to assassinate him! Remember, due process and oversight are for sissies. Plus, you get the added bonus of taking out potential terrorists before they've even done anything - estimates have determined that you can kill up to 49 potential future terrorists of any age for every confirmed terrorist you kill, and with the innovative 'double-tap' option, you can even kill a few terrorist first responders, preventing them from committing terrorist acts like helping the wounded and rescuing survivors trapped in the rubble. Don't let Dad get away with anti-American activities! Show him who's boss, whether he's at a wedding, a funeral, or just having his morning coffee. Sow fear and carnage in your wake! Win a Nobel Peace Prize and be declared Time Magazine's Person of the Year - Twice!
This goes well with the Maisto Extraordinary Rendition playset, by the way - which gives you all the tools you need to kidnap the family pet and take him for interrogation at a neighbor's house, where the rules of the Geneva Convention may not apply. Loads of fun!
Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel) Approximately 60 Lbs
I am still recovering from this weekend when I was the laughing stock of the entire Mariposa County Cheese Rolling 'Rollapalooza'. I purchased this cheese "WHEEL" as a last minute replacement for my trusty 75 lbs Pecorino Wheel which got defaced by local youths. Still, I was looking forward to chasing a lighter "WHEEL" down the hill - this would give me more dynamic control over the direction of the roll. On the morning of the competition, imagine my distress when, dressed proudly in my regional colours and nearly-new cleats, I unwrapped the package to what turns out to be an OVAL-SHAPED cheese. This is NOT A WHEEL. Repeat: NOT A WHEEL. It is OVAL. Needless to say, you can imagine the rest (which was broadcast live on local TV AND one internet channel - note: the comments below the video are disgusting and defamatory). So why the two stars? As I bundled downhill behind the bouncing OVAL, arch-rivals roaring past in mirth, some chunks dislodged and the cheese itself was creamy and ripe. This is not a competition cheese. AVOID. If anyone wants it, I abandoned it in rage at the bottom of Greeley Hill, Mariposa County on Sunday afternoon (from the 49 North, take the 132 East). It should still be okay.
Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross
20 inches of total nirvana
I've been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul's cherubic face.
For a while I considered mounting a large number of these on my ceiling to create a Paul Ross canvass ceiling but unfortunately I realised that this is what my wife would be staring at during our frenzied horizontal moments, and what kind of a man can compare to Paul Ross in the bedroom? "No-one" I hear you cry!
I've ordered four of these now:
One of them is above the fireplace and is naturally the pride of our entire home.
On the second canvass I've cut out the section where Paul's face is, and when I drive to pick up the kids I wear the canvass and pretend that I'm a famous celebrity dad, the kids simply love it.
The third is purely for recreational purposes, I've cut a whole where Paul's mouth would be because my wife has demanded that we French kiss through the hole (I want to point out that I wear the canvass for kissing, not her! Although I'd gladly turn for just one of Paul's tender mouth hugs.)
The fourth is a backup.
In summary - hot shot city is a particularly good track.
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml
Poor man's sex change operation
This will remove all male parts, if applied to the groin area. That may warrant a 5 star if that's what you wanted to accomplish, or a 1 star if all you wanted to do is remove hair. Please follow the directions to the letter.
Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
They called me crazy, but who's the giant horse now?!
This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward and uncomfortable being first among them. After wearing the mask for several days my identity was consumed and replaced. There is only the horse now. Best purchase I ever made.
A Whole New World, by Katie Price and Peter Andre
This album is a testament to love's young dream. Still devastated by their split and I have not been able to achieve an erection since the news.
The Traveler's Friend
Whenever I fly I always pack a can of this wonder stuff in each piece of my luggage. As we all know, so many bags look alike. How often do you get to your hotel, only to find you have walked away with the wrong bag, and are forced to wear a stranger's underwear for the rest of the trip? We've all been there right? So when that confusing luggage starts whirling around the baggage claim carousel I just whip out my Geiger Counter and let the uranium go to work for me. I merely wait for those comforting clicks (and after longer flights look for the glowing hot spot) and I know I have found my bags. Occasionally airlines lose my bags (yes, it does happen people). But whenever I fill out that claim form, and let them know my uranium is missing - well I tell you, they literally SPRING into action. They'll track down that errant bag faster than you can say "Chernobyl."
And I cannot tell you how many new friends I have made in TSA and Customs since I've adopted this sure-fire system. Nothing brightens their day quite like finding a traveler with potentially fissionable material. Throw away those gaudy rainbow bag straps forever and step into the atomic age. It's no longer just uranium, it's my-ranium. Thanks Amazon!
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
Combine with other foods!
Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
Finally, a tank you can trust
'll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I've purchased overpriced, so-called "battle tanks", then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter.
But not this baby, no way.
This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I'm dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can't say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I'm dropping off my kid's team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!
I had NAO install the optional GPS-guided white phosphorus missile system, and talk about *SWEET*! Burn baby burn!!!
Oh, it also has plenty of room for groceries, and if you need to like move a loveseat or something it'll fit if you use a little bungee cord.
The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn't full size.
Overall, a great tank.
The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China by Icon Group International
Look for my audiobook version, coming soon
For years I have searched for the perfect audio book project. "Shogun," some friends suggested. "War and Peace," I've considered. Or perhaps "Green Eggs and Ham."
But it wasn't until I stumbled, quite by chance, across "The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China" that I knew. I KNEW.
Sure, the title and the first few hundred pages may seem off-putting. "What the f*@k is this?" Brad demanded, just 20 pages in. "It's like some kind of terrible grad school thesis."
But right around page 375, the OFWTSIGC (2009-14) becomes a white-knuckled, roller coaster of emotions--the sort we expect from world class thrillers. Indeed, just when you think the author has exhausted his dear readers, after what seems an unimaginably methodical survey of mainland China's wood toilet seat projections, he reminds us, ever so artfully, about GREATER China.
Taiwan. Macao. Hong Frigging Kong.
Now, admittedly, the near $500 price may be a bit daunting, but on a per word basis, it's quite a bargain. And imagine its uses! Senate Filibusters will never be the same. OFWTSIGC (2009-14) It also makes a terrific father's day gift for that dad who "thinks" he has everything. This will show him, huh.
Fresh Whole Rabbit by Cloverdale
Pays for itself
I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.
Off to buy a bigger fridge.
AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray
Makes a boring drive easier
You wouldn't believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window! I'm using it right now to post this review and I never
Parent Child Testing Product, 5 Pack
Well worth every penny!
The Parent Child Testing Product worked as well as I hoped. I tested both my children using this device and confirmed my hunch - the 1-year old was going to turn out as badly as I thought, breaking my heart and living in the basement doing nothing but playing video games, and doing badly at that as well. Without this test, I'd have had to waste DECADES waiting for him to grow up before kicking him out. I'm taking him back to the hospital tomorrow morning.
BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen, 1.0mm, Black, 16ct (MSLP16-Blk)
Missing the batteries
I can't find a switch to turn it on, and it didn't come with batteries. This is not the "for her" product I was expecting. At all.
BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point , 1.0 mm, Black, 12 Pens (MS11-Blk)
Wonderful for rewinding cassette tapes
I live in 1982. I don't know why, but every December 31st, time goes back to January 1st, 1982. I have to live the whole year again, every single day. From the dissaparition of Mark Thatcher, to the Japan Airlines Flight 350 crash, to the Falkland Wars. At least in November each year Michael Jackson releases Thriller, and my dad gives it to me as a birthday present a couple of weeks later. In audio cassette tape format.
You know, the only thing i have got to listen to music around here is my dependable TPS-L2 Walkman. It plays cassette tapes. The only problem is that it eats batteries like Pac-Man eats dots, so i have to be careful with rewinding my cassette tape manually so i don't waste the batteries doing such lowly task. I need my music man, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. And i know that in January 1st i won't have Thriller because of the stupid time loop, and i'll have to wait eleven months before i get to listen to it again.
Well, back to the pen: the Cristal Stic Ballpoint Pen fits exactly in the holes of a cassette tape, so i insert it there and then i make the tape turn around the pen to rewind it. A couple of minutes later, and the tape is completely rewound. My Bic pen has never broke or anything during such task.
I don't use it to write, though. Not often.
I'm just using the pen right now to write this note, that i will leave on my copy of Michael Ende's Neverending Story (ironic, isn't it ?) The note will remain hidden there until the year 2010, when you'll open the book and find it. Then you'll be able to copy my review and post it on Amazon.com . Why, do you ask ? Well, i'm not sure, but i've been in 1982 too many times, more times than i'm able to remember. But the only thing i remember that is clearly out of place, is an Amazon parcel delivered straight to my door on the last minute of December 31st. I open it, and it's full of Cristal Stic Ballpoint Pens, Med Point, 1.0mm, Black Ink, Clear Barrel with Pocket Clip, labeled BICMS11BK.
I don't know what it means, but the only thing i can do is to listen to Men At Work singing Down under until i get my copy of Thriller. And i need lots of pens to save batteries.
A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates by The RAND Corporation
Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for.
UFO-02 Detector, magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.
This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head.
AMSCAN Face Paint, 1-Ounce, White
My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from "_________!" to "__________!!!". You've never seen people so excited.
I have no idea about what this thing is suppose to do but it's a wonderful surrogate for my dead hedgehog. RIP Mr. Prickles
Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable (Old Version)
Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.
Looking For - Best of David Hasselhoff
There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in the music business these days. I've already been a fan for many years, but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did my dog die, but so did 2 cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!
The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.
Avery Durable View Binder with 2-Inch Slant Ring, Holds 8.5 x 11-Inch Paper, White, 1 Binder (17032)
Changing my tune
I was originally going to rate this only 1 star. You see, I'm a big girl and I can only squeeze about 53% of myself into this binder. But then I decided that I'm not going to worry about the other 47%.
The Story about Ping (Viking Kestrel picture books)
PING! The magic duck!
Using deft allegory, the authors have provided an insightful and intuitive explanation of one of Unix's most venerable networking utilities. Even more stunning is that they were clearly working with a very early beta of the program, as their book first appeared in 1933, years (decades!) before the operating system and network infrastructure were finalized.
The book describes networking in terms even a child could understand, choosing to anthropomorphize the underlying packet structure. The ping packet is described as a duck, who, with other packets (more ducks), spends a certain period of time on the host machine (the wise-eyed boat). At the same time each day (I suspect this is scheduled under cron), the little packets (ducks) exit the host (boat) by way of a bridge (a bridge). From the bridge, the packets travel onto the internet (here embodied by the Yangtze River).
The title character -- er, packet, is called Ping. Ping meanders around the river before being received by another host (another boat). He spends a brief time on the other boat, but eventually returns to his original host machine (the wise-eyed boat) somewhat the worse for wear.
If you need a good, high-level overview of the ping utility, this is the book. I can't recommend it for most managers, as the technical aspects may be too overwhelming and the basic concepts too daunting.
Problems With This Book
As good as it is, The Story About Ping is not without its faults. There is no index, and though the ping(8) man pages cover the command line options well enough, some review of them seems to be in order. Likewise, in a book solely about Ping, I would have expected a more detailed overview of the ICMP packet structure.
But even with these problems, The Story About Ping has earned a place on my bookshelf, right between Stevens' Advanced Programming in the Unix Environment, and my dog-eared copy of Dante's seminal work on MS Windows, Inferno. Who can read that passage on the Windows API ("Obscure, profound it was, and nebulous, So that by fixing on its depths my sight -- Nothing whatever I discerned therein."), without shaking their head with deep understanding. But I digress.