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Numenorian by Tom Holt

Posted to alt.books.tom-holt by Tom Holt in December 2002:
Went to the pictures; came home humming -

I am the very model of a modern Numenorian;
My language is invented and my mindset is Victorian.
I'm Estel and I'm Aragorn, and Elessar and Strider, too
I've hunted orcs and trolls and wargs, and sometimes a Black Rider, too.
I'm pretty good at fighting and you'll find me where the dangers are;
I'm fearless and invincible, as all the other Rangers are.
My sword is old and busted but I wield it with impunity
And draw it out and flourish it at every opportunity.
I hurl myself against the foe with courage and avidity,
And maybe just a soupcon of inherited stupidity.
From Arnor to Anduin, from Cardolan to Lothlorien,
I am the very model of a modern Numenorian.

I'm very good with herbs and stuff (I'm so New Age and sensitive);
The tales I tell of days of yore work wonders as a sedative.
I got a gal in Rivendell (which sounds a bit Glenn Miller-y)
And when I went to Rohan last, they stuck me in the pillory.
To be the King of Gondor is my duty and I'm bound to it,
And one day it may happen when I finally get round to it.
I'm very wise and learned, I'm your actual intellectual,
And trained from birth in leadership, though strangely ineffectual.
So if you want a sherpa for a toddle through the Hithaeglir,
Or need a human champion who's not a jerk, like Boromir,
Check out the heir of Isildur with any good historian;
He'll tell you I'm the model of a modern Numenorian.

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Book Cover of Ye Gods!

Quote from Ye Gods!

Jason, meanwhile, was getting nicely into his rhytm. He had split the Helmet of Authority, sliced the thunderbolts into mortadella, shattered the Breastplate of Power and was just about to make an end of it when...
  `Jason!' said a voice behind him. `You stop that immediately, you hear me?'
  Jason sighed very, very deeply and lowered his sword.
  `Yes, mum,' he said.
(Tom Holt, "Ye Gods!")
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