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Ladyhawke by Tom Holt

Tom Holt's words:

One of the most popular filksongs of all time is Ladyhawke, which is about a cult film starring Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer; if you haven't seen it, it's basically a fantasy story about a knight and his girl who are under a spell cast by a wicked magician; by day, she's turned into a hawk, and by night he turns into a wolf, so they can never meet. Thanks to the help of a little ratlike guy who's a professional thief, they break the spell & live happily ever after etc

Julia Ecklar's song goes -

My jesses are fear and my hood my own lies,
My wings pinned to ground by my theiving.
Each evening I dream that tomorrow I'll rise,
But each dawn breaks, not believing.
I'm a mouse among men with no hopes,no dreams
No notion of right or of wrong;
But a magical maiden more real than she seems
Fills my soul with the glory of song -
Ladyhawke, Ladyhawke, fly bravely on,
Wings spread in each morning's light.
Ladyhawke, Ladyhawke, from dusk to dawn,
Teach me the magic of flight
and so on (lots of it). It's all right, if you like that sort of thing; it's got a catchy tune and when Julia Ecklar sings it at US conventions, they can hear her in Mexico. So that's all right.

Now in the UK there's a brand of electric razor specially designed for women and called the Ladyshave. So, inevitably, I wrote -

My motor is fast and my meshes are fine,
For ever I carry on shaving.
Like agonised bee in your bathroom I whine
For the smooth skin you are craving.
Your armpits as furry as lion or bear
I shave till they're perfectly smooth.
From legs I shear off all superfluous hair
And unsightly moustaches remove.
Ladyshave, Ladyshave, drive boldly on,
Mowing through stubble and fur.
Grinding away at the fuzz till it's gone;
Leave me the skin I prefer.
Though swords may be better to hack and to slash
For men like wild beasts to behave with,
They bring out your legs in a horrible rash;
They're a real nuisance to shave with.
And though feminine hygiene, so purists proclaim,
Is no suitable subject for filk,
The Ladyshave's virtues I proudly proclaim,
For they make my skin smoother than silk.

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Book Cover of Odds and Gods

Quote from Odds and Gods

For his part Odin knew for a certainty that he was an excellent map reader, but the landscapes mucked him about by moving around when he wasn't looking.
 Other things that mucked Odin around included doors, piles of cans in supermarkets and all known electrical appliances.
(Tom Holt, "Odds and Gods")
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All stories/filksongs is written by Tom Holt, and not by me.
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